


love doesn't flow from a well

by ZionPhoenix



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Aftermath of Betrayal, Dealing with Betrayal, Joe and Nicky work through the betrayal, Lots of Crying, Men Crying, Nicky takes longer to forgive no you cant change my mind, Nile and Andy are mentioned, Not so graphic depictions of violence, Swearing, don't know what else to tag, like once, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25766554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZionPhoenix/pseuds/ZionPhoenix
Summary: Joe had always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions there for everyone to see.Nicky had always been quieter than the others, keeping his emotions inside.They both confront Booker in their own way.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 41
Kudos: 239





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess I was in the mood to make myself sad?
> 
> As always, this is unbetaed, if you find any mistakes please let me know. Also if you think I missed something that needs tagging, or if I mistagged something, please let me know!
> 
> Enjoy!

Joe had always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions there for everyone to see. He had also always felt everything too much, harder than anyone else. Love, fear, pride, anger, pain, and everything else. That first night after Merrick, as they were settling into bed, Nicky had caressed his cheek, kissed his forehead and his lips, silently telling him that they were okay. They were here.

And yet, Joe couldn't sleep, anger keeping him awake as he thought about what he would say to Booker. How he would tell his little brother what he felt, how angry and disappointed he was. But he couldn't think of any words, and after a few hours he gave up. Enough was enough. Joe got up quietly, and went over to the cot where Booker was sleeping. Or at least supposed to be sleeping. He was there, eyes wide open, staring into emptiness. Booker looked at Joe as he approached him, didn't bother fighting the hand picking him up by the scruff of his neck, and pulling him out of the bedroom and the cabin. Joe pulled him outside, shoving him away as soon as they were through the door. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, the moon illuminating his face, the hurt in his eyes betraying the hard stance.

"Why, Booker?" He asked quietly, so quiet Booker almost missed it. He started to stammer out words, looking at the ground. He didn't know what to say, how to explain. But he didn't need to. Joe had walked towards him, and shoved him again. Booker stumbled back, automatically assuming a defensive stance. A tear was falling down Joe's face. "Why?" He made for another shove, but Booker saw it coming and reacted instinctively, and from there it went to a full blown fist fight. They were rolling around on the ground, throwing punches at each other, kicking the other off to land a hit.

It was never a fair fight. Booker was intoxicated, which impeded his abilities, but after a few minutes he stopped trying to land a hit, instead focussing on blocking the fists coming his way. But Joe was a way better fighter than Booker, and soon enough he had the other man pinned to the ground, straddling his hips, knees on Booker's wrists. Joe felt helpless, no words coming to mind, leaving him with only one way to communicate his feelings. He was full on crying now, throwing a few punches at Booker's face, before he stopped and weakly beat his chest instead. If he had wanted, Booker could have thrown him off, his legs were mostly free, but instead he laid there and took it.

"Why, Booker? Why, why, why?" Joe's fists had stopped, and the man was shaking with the strength of his emotions. Booker just looked at him, even as Nicky pulled him off his chest, tugging him away. "I'm sorry." He whispered, not sure if the men heard. He turned his head towards them, watched them walk back to the cabin, where Andy and Nile were standing in the door. He didn't want to think about how much they had seen, and turned his gaze towards the sky instead.

Back in their bed, Nicky held Joe to his chest as anguished screams clawed their way out of his throat, getting lost in Nicky's shirt, and when he could scream no more he cried himself to sleep.

Nicky had always been quieter than the others, keeping his emotions inside to process them, mull over them, and let them go. He always seemed calm and hard to anger, but everyone who knew him well enough would know that that wasn't true. He kept it hidden from his face, until it became too much and spilled. Right now Nicky was angry and disappointed, but mostly angry. Seeing Joe break down so thoroughly that night only fuelled his anger, the memory refusing to leave his mind, instead it was steadily keeping the flame alive. He didn't yet know what he would do, he was a sniper, patient to a fault, and could hold grudges for a long time. It has only been a week since they left their brother behind, and already everyone was on edge, skirting around each other, desperately trying to avoid the subject.

When Nicky walked into the living room to see Joe staring at Booker's armchair, a few tears running down his face, the flame inside him exploded. He grabbed a few things, and went back to Joe, pulling him out of his trance. "I'll be back in a few days, there's something I need to do." Joe looked at him, realisation spreading across his face. It was always so easy to read him, Nicky thought. Joe shook his head.

"I'm coming with you. I won't leave you alone in this." Nicky wanted to protest, but Joe had already walked towards the door and picked up his go-bag, staring expectantly at him. "You didn't leave me, and I won't leave you. I'll stand back." Nicky sighed, and ran a hand across his face, then joined Joe as they walked through the door. They didn't bother saying goodbye, the women were sleeping, and Andy would know, anyways. She always knew.

Finding Booker was easy, there was only one place he would be right now, and they weren't too far away to begin with. It was afternoon of the next day when they walked into the building, and they didn't bother knocking. If he was home, the door would probably be unlocked. And it wasn't. One glance around was enough for Nicky to assess the situation. There wasn't much to Booker's abode, it was only one room. Booker didn't acknowledge them when they walked into his flat, and leaned against his kitchen counter, staring at him across the small space, where he was sitting at his table. Finally, his gaze flickered to Nicky, and he inadvertently recoiled at the steely look, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. "What are you doing here?" It was barely above a whisper, but carried loudly across the otherwise quiet room.

"I came here to talk. No, actually, I didn't. I came here to tell you my thoughts, and then I'll be leaving again." He didn't have to say that for now he didn't want to hear Booker's thoughts. His voice was soft when he continued to speak, and it made him even scarier.

"'You and Nicky always had each other, right?' Do you remember that? It's what you said to Joe after he had been tortured for hours. After he had to watch me be tortured for hours, whenever he was actually conscious enough to witness it. Not even a day before that, we told Nile that capture was our biggest nightmare. But, we always had each other, right?" Booker could already feel the tears collecting in the corner of his eyes, but he didn't dare blink, didn't dare break eye contact.

"I know you know that isn't true. We told you the story. You know that we had to fight tooth and nail for our love, and especially for our _lives_. We had to fight for our identities, our sense of self. We had to fight everything and everyone. We fought our faith, our brothers and sisters, our beliefs, our home. We fought our Gods, we fought ourselves, and worst of all, we fought each other. While one battle ended, the others kept raging on and on and on. We fought for years, before we came even became close enough to be friends. And then the battles started all over again. A love like this doesn't just come out of nowhere, Booker. We had to fight hard to make this work." Nicky paused for a few seconds, giving Booker some time to let the words sink in. The tears had started to fall some time ago.

"And because of that _you_ didn't have to fight for our love. We loved you unconditionally from the moment we met you. You're one of us, you're our family. We had learnt to give love freely, and so we gave it to you. I don't know if you just didn't notice it, or if you didn't want it, or if you couldn't accept it. But what I do know is that we loved you, we _still_ love you, and you just threw it all away. We did our damnest to help you, but if you refuse to accept it, there's nothing we can do. I trusted you, and loved you, without question. Now that trust is broken, and you know I'm not as quick to forgive as Joe. I _still_ love you, brother, but this time you will have to fight for it." Nicky fixed him with his stare for a few more seconds before turning away to make his way to the door. Booker thought he saw a tear rolling down his cheek, but couldn't be sure. His own tears were still flowing freely.

"I'm sorry." He said, right before the door closed behind them, leaving him alone with Nicky's words.

In the hallway Nicky quickly wiped away his tears. He knew that he would forgive Booker eventually, but whether it would be sooner rather than later was on Booker now. Nicky hoped it would be sooner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky gripped his jaw, making Booker look up at him. "If you couldn't accept our help, at least try to accept someone else's. Get some fucking therapy, Booker." And then he let go, and left. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised a part about Booker, sorry to tell that that will be the next chapter! This one is still about Joe and Nicky, but also about Nile and Andy (although Andy only speaks like, twice). And it's mostly dialogue - you've been warned.
> 
> Unbetaed as always, so comment with any mistakes you find, please.
> 
> Enjoy!

Once he finished wiping away his tears, Nicky made for the front door, but stopped abruptly and turned back around. "I forgot something." He muttered, and Joe was sure he didn't mean his wallet or something. Nicky waltzed back into Booker's apartment, one hand grabbing their brother by the collar, the other slapping him, only once, but hard enough to leave a faint hand print that lasted for a second. Nicky gripped his jaw, making Booker look up at him. "If you couldn't accept our help, at least try to accept someone else's. Get some fucking therapy, Booker." And then he let go, and left. Again.

They arrived back at the safe house the next day. Andy and Nile greeted them with a nod from where they were sitting at the dining table, cards in hand.

"Feeling better?" Andy asked. Nicky shrugged.

"A little." They had shed their bags and jackets and joined them at the table. The look of surprise on Nile's face was very telling. "Ah, so you didn't tell her everything." Nicky looked from Andy to Nile with a toothy grin.

"I didn't." Andy turned to Joe. "So, how did it go?"

"I didn't even need to hold him back. He only slapped him once." Nicky scoffed.

"After we already left. I went back inside to tell him to get therapy."

"Yeah, and to slap him." Nicky conceded with a tilt of his head.

"Yes." Nile followed their exchange with wide eyes. She was still surprised by the whole situation.

"So, _you_ were the one who went to Booker?"

"Yes. I knew you'd think it would be Joe." He shrugged. "People never seem to think of me as someone who can get angry." He shrugged again, like it didn't bother him. Joe snickered beside him.

"Believe me, Nile, you don't want to see Nicky angry." Nile sighed.

"It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?" She didn't except anyone to answer that, so she continued. "So, you just went there to slap him and tell him to get therapy?"

"No, I went there to give him some food for thought. Then I went back to slap him and tell him to get therapy, because I forgot to before." Her stare was incredulous.

"You went there just to yell at him? You could have done that over the phone!"

"I never said I yelled at him. Also this is way too personal to do over the phone."

"Yeah, the icy stare and too soft voice really don't have the same effect over the phone." Joe chimed in from the side. Nicky flicked his ear in return, but with a smile on his face.

"Okay, I'm starting to get why I don't want to see you angry. On the other hand I don't get why you would just tell him to get therapy. I mean, I do, because he really needs it, but he also needs a support system. He needs his _family_." She was met with pained sighs.

"Do you really think we don't know that? That we didn't try?" Nicky's eyes were full of sorrow. "We did the best we could. We loved him, and tried to never let him forget that. He had his good moments, too, sometimes, and when they were over it was always so painful to watch him slip away again. But there's only so much you can do to help someone who doesn't want your help, Nile. It's not like we could have dragged him into therapy kicking and screaming. He has to want it himself."

"I get that. But-" Joe interrupted her, before she could continue.

"Nile, we get what you're saying, but it's like Nicky said. He didn't want our help. And as much as we would like to be with him and help him, we need our space too. We need to be able to process this as well. It's not our job to sacrifice our own wellbeing. Leaving him alone hurts us as much as it hurts him, but keeping him with us would hurt even more. Distance is the best for all of us right now." At the other end of the table Andy set down her whiskey glass, now empty.

"Nile, we didn't exile him because of malice. We did it because he hurt us, and while that was born out of pain itself, we still need the space and time to heal. And we cannot do that with him here, just like he cannot start to get better with all of us around. Not in the long run, anyways. Plus, the 100 years was to give all of us enough time. If it takes less for him to improve, and for us, especially Nicky, to forgive him, then we will welcome him back early with open arms. I really hope we can." They were all silent for a bit, until Nicky's chair scraped across the wooden floor as he stood up.

"I'm going to start on dinner." Nile waited until she could hear him working in the kitchen.

"You said you didn't even have to hold him back. What would he have done if you hadn't been there?" Joe hummed in contemplation.

"To be honest, I don't think he would've done anything else than what he did. Yes, I went with him to make sure he didn't do something stupid, like bash Booker's skull in, but I don't think he would've done stuff like that. We try to avoid violence whenever necessary, actually."

"But, last week, weren't you the one fighting him?" She sounded so genuine, it lessened the blow of the painful reminder.

"Yes, I was. I'm also the one who didn't hesitate to break someone's neck, and who fights for a living. But that doesn't mean that we, that I, enjoy it. Last week was, I don't know how to say it, it was difficult. Difficult to express what I felt, still feel."

Nicky suddenly stood in the door frame, drying his hands on a towel, and took over, in their usual seamless way of story telling. "Joe is usually the one who is good with words, and knows how to express his emotions, he wears his heart on his sleeve. But he also feels too much, all the time at any given moment. It can be overwhelming, enough so for all the words to escape him."

"When I was pinning Booker to the ground, I felt so helpless. There was so much I was feeling, and I just couldn't convey it. It can be one of the worst feelings in the world, to be so overcome with emotion and to not be able to put them into words. It's one of the shortcomings of feeling like I do." He smiled at her. She smiled back, though weakly, then turned to Nicky.

"And you?" Nicky sighed again.

"I keep most of it inside, stay calm on the outside. I learnt early in life to keep my emotions to myself, and to process them in the safety of my mind. I will hold onto emotions until they are resolved, until I can let them go. Once, I held a grudge for almost 70 years. So far I had a week to think about my feelings about this situation, which certainly isn't enough, but I also snapped earlier than I thought. Unlike I Joe I don't feel it all once, it just kind of accumulates over time, until it becomes too much. That is why we left. I snapped, and I needed Booker to know how I feel. So I went to him and told him my thoughts. The slap really was more of a desperate attempt at a wake up call, in case my little speech and Joe's screams from last week weren't enough."

Silence fell around them, their breathing the only noise in the quiet space. Nile remembered the screams and how pained they had sounded. She also remembered hearing Nicky cry almost every night for the past week. It felt like minutes, but only a few seconds went by until Nile spoke again.

"You just said that you once held a grudge for 70 years. What is the longest you haven't forgiven someone?" They all looked at Nicky expectantly, even Joe had an eyebrow raised. Nicky smiled at her, although it looked forced. No, not forced. Pained.

"920 years." And with that he pushed himself off the wooden frame and went back into the kitchen. Before Nile could even open her mouth to ask, Joe answered her question.

"It's not my story to tell, so you'll have to ask him yourself. But, please, not today." 

Collecting their abandoned cards from before, Andy started shuffling them for a new game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, kudos are always nice, and comments absolutely make my day!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated, I'd love to hear what you think!


End file.
